Why Star Trek’s Klingons Would Massacre Star Wars’ Wookies

Here’s why the Klingons from Star Trek would make short work of the Wookies from Star Wars.

It’s truly one of the defining debates of our times, who would win in a fight the Klingons or the Wookies? I think the answer is clear to most intelligent beings, but for the sake of non-sentient undeveloped troglodyte types let me spell out the reasons why you don’t mess with the Klingon Empire.

1. The Klingons won’t surrender.

Oh are Wookies known to rip peoples arms off when they lose? That’s adorable.

We don’t know what Klingons do when they lose because Klingons would rather die than lose.  If a Klingon loses then he has dishonored his house and the only reasonable thing to do is to kill himself and travel to Sto-Vo-Kor.  I’m sure the Wookies have a heaven too, probably one full of those Kong toys full of peanut butter that dogs love so much, but they obviously aren’t ready to fight to the death to get a spot in the Wookie dog park heaven.

I mean the Wookies have already surrendered to an empire once…

2. The Klingon Empire > The Empire From Star Wars

The Wookies have already been beaten (and then enslaved because they surrender like cowards) by the Empire in Star Wars.  This is an Empire lead by one geriatric old guy who keeps electrocuting himself with his own lighting powers and a  half robot James Earl Jones that could probably be defeated with a bucket of water.

This is an Empire who’s troops couldn’t hit the broad side of a Borg cube… yet they were too much for the ridiculous super sized Ewoks that are the Wookies.  THE ACTUAL EWOKS DID BETTER AGAINST THE EMPIRE THAN THE WOOKIES DID.

I’d rather have this scary little Teddy Bear on my side than a useless Wookie.

3. The Klingons have disruptors.

There’s only one thing better than a good blaster by your side… a Klingon disruptor by your side.  The incompetent Stormtroopers of the Empire beat the Wookies with blasters.  Blasters are basically guns that shoot a laser.  If you get hit in the arm by a blaster you get a flesh wound.  DISRUTPORS VAPORIZE YOU.

If you’re shot in the arm by a Klingon disruptor you cease to exist.  That’s it son, time to go to that Wookie dog park heaven and have some Milk-Bones.  (Assuming you can get into Wookie heaven without a body and they don’t have some weird mummifying rituals.) The disruptors could even kill a changeling, I doubt a blaster would even hurt a changeling.

The Wookies of course have bowcasters, which are basically the bow and arrows of the blaster world.  No wonder they got worked by the Empire, this isn’t space Agincourt.

4. FREAKING BIRDS OF PREY

Speaking of technology gaps let’s look at the standard issue Wookie ship.

It’s like a dragonfly and the helicopter/motorcycle from the 1980’s cartoon MASK had sex.

Meanwhile the Klingons are riding around in this.

That’s the IKS Rotarran the ship of General Martok and it will kill you before you know it’s there.  It has a cloaking device and the before mentioned disruptors.

Cloakable ship of death with person vaporizing disruptors or motorcycle/helicopter dragonfly mashup that’s an offence to God.  Which would you choose?

5. Klingons are agile.

Klingons are far more agile than Wookies.  All I’ve ever seen Chewbacca do is lumber around roaring while carrying his bowcaster.  The bigfoot look is a good look, but they just wouldn’t stand a chance against a Klingon.

This is a Wookie.

And this is Worf.

AGILE LIKE A KLINGON MONGOOSE SON!

I think it’s clear that Wookies while adorable pets, are not very good warriors at all.  The Klingons would of course honor their battle with the Wookies with song and drink, but then they would get on with the rest of their Friday after slaughtering them all.

You just can’t deny that Klingons have too much swag for Wookies to match.

He’s a Blingon.

Next: William Shatner On The Star Trek Musical Talk

Tune in next week when I explain why R2D2 is a useless pile of garbage when compared to Mr. Data!